The Brunch Bewilderment

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On most summer days, I don’t do much. I work and do chores, but most of the time I’m at my house on the couch watching Lucifer. For most other white dudes, that’s a fairly relatable day. However, for our Caucasian counterparts, that couldn’t be further from reality. 


Every day, I wake up and grab my phone. I typically take 5-10 minutes just catching up on social media and what’s going on in the world. On any given business day, when I look at any white woman’s snap story, there’s a 50/50 chance that I’ll be looking at a picture of one of their girlfriends posing next to a piece of avocado toast at 8 am.


Alright, let’s break this down play by play. 8 am… on a Tuesday. If I were a betting man, I’d say that more than 80% of Hoban students are asleep at 8 am during our vacation. Why? Because they aren’t psychotic, MOLLY.  Recently, I asked one of the brunch buddies why they pay $15 for a piece of toast so often and in a response that was so predictable it pains me, she said, “we just chitty-chat and catch-up ya know?” No Madison, I don’t know. Didn’t you post a picture with you and Olivia lounging by the pool captioned, “pool day with my besties” two days ago? Please, enlighten me. What happened within that two days that you felt the need to catch-up with them, AGAIN? That’s a rhetorical question Abby, I really don’t want an answer.

On to my next point of concern. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to First Watch Cafe, but if you’re looking for a fast and cheep breakfast, don’t go to First Watch. Now I have gone to First Watch before and it really is a delicious breakfast spot. 


My usual is a short stack of chocolate chip pancakes and an apple juice for $9 dollars. Not cheap, but not too lavish either. Now I did analyze the price of a randomly selected Snapchat Story and my $9 meal is nothing. A tomato and spinach omelette ($14), a slice of avocado toast ($8), a kale based juice ($6) and a plate of their seasonal “Millionaires Bacon” to split ($4.5). $32.50. Let me spell that out for you just in case it wasn’t clear. Thirty two dollars and fifty cents. I haven’t spent that much money all summer. 


The craziest part of this whole conundrum?  Most of these women don’t have jobs. How does it work that every single one of them spend more than $10 on a meal when they have no formal source of self income? How? Are they all trust fund babies? Do they wipe themselves with blue faces? Look Claire, I’m not saying that you’re damned to hell or anything, but just remember that gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. If you have any questions, take it up with the big man. His rule, not mine.


So maybe I don’t do enough socially, but I’d rather sit at home and work my metabolism than go out and work my checkbook.


Thank you, this has been my TED Talk.