Getting to know my girlfriend in quarantine

Mike Dewine, you prince. Three weeks off school? You shouldn’t have. That was very cool of you. But with every professional sports league across the globe suspending or canceling play, what am I supposed to do with all of this time? 

That first day we didn’t have school, when I woke up, I thought about all of the things I was going to do. I actually made a list:

• Eat taquitos
• Play Fifa
• Nap
• Spend time with the dog
• Work out 
• Tell everyone I worked out
• Watch Youtube videos
• Steal my sister’s boyfriend’s Hulu login
• Have the boys over

It was set to be the perfect day. Everything was laid out perfectly. I blocked out the whole day and planned on doing all of these (except for maybe the last one) every day. Then, my phone buzzed.

A text from my girlfriend (I know—I don’t believe she’s real either). I knew that my list had gone straight into the pooper. 

So instead of that original plan, every day, I wake up, eat taquitos and then head over to her house. I spend the day with her family and break bread with them. It’s nice. I really do enjoy it.

Do my parents? Yes and no. They’re happy to have me out of the house and doing stuff, but they also miss me. If we’re being honest, who wouldn’t? 

Returning to your regularly scheduled content, through this first week, I’ve learned quite a bit about her. It’s quite mind boggling. Wading in all of this new found information, I needed to really put it all down and review the facts and tidbits I’ve learned. That being said, let’s review all of this together, one day at a time.

Day 1: So it turns out that she doesn’t mess with pasta. What a blessing. Full disclosure, pasta will never be my first dining choice, ever. We got Chipotle for lunch and in her bowl, she got no meat. That’s so wrong. I thought she was joking at first, but apparently not. I’m pretty hung up on it. They have 2% milk in her house, though (the best type of milk), and the most phenomenal grape juice I’ve ever had the pleasure of slurping. I learned a lot about food today and she gave me a cake ball when I walked in the door. Definity a worthwhile visit. 

Day 2: Apparently her name is Erica. This is news to me. I’ve been calling her names like, “baby,” “princess,” “loser” and “madmoizelle” for the last four and a half months. Thank god her mom yelled her name for something or I may have never figured that one out. She also has cats. I don’t really mess with cats, but she has this one really cool one named “Ridley.” He’s a total baller. He grew up in the streets but now lives a charmed, domesticated life. I’m quite fond of this cat and he tolerates me more than most, so I’ll take it. 

Day 3: We have a major problem. MAJOR problem. So Erica and I were chillaxing, just steady vibin’ when she challenged my manhood. From her sweet lips, she dared to utter the words “let’s play Mario Kart.” I don’t think she fully understood the magnitude of these words. Accepting her challenge, we trotted over to her Wii. She turned it on, handed me a controller and then offered me THE WHEEL. exCUSE ME? What is this? Amateur hour? I have never been so insulted. How dare she offer me The Wheel? The Wheel is for rookies. Then—and here is where the major problem rears its ugly head—SHE USED THE WHEEL. I had to contain myself from throwing up the taquitos I had for breakfast. I was so disgusted. Filled with this rage, I thrashed her in Mario Kart. I made her promise that we would never speak of this moment again.

Day 4: Exhausted from the previous day’s stressful events, when I arrived at her crib, I needed a nap. Exercising that right, I laid down and prepared for a peaceful slumber. Then, as my dome was mere inches from the pillow, Erica (that’s the name of my girlfriend—this is a reminder for me, not you) abruptly announces, “you’d better not fall asleep.” Uhhhhh. Ope. Whoops. Ight. But also, what’s the problem with that? I’m just tryna catch some z’s. She acts like she actually wants to spend time with me. Like, c’mon. Let’s be realistic here.

Day 5:  I introduced her to the greatest musical work the world has ever witnessed to date. As I laid there (not sleeping), I said to my main squeeze, “hey Alexa, play “The Champions League Theme” from Spotify.” As I transcended, I got a touch emotional, thinking about the suspension of the Champions League fixtures. Just the thought is heartbreaking. I didn’t ask her what she thought of the song. Having a pulse and a brain, I knew she was transcending too. No words needed to be spoken. There was an unspoken bond that we shared as human beings that could be felt in the atmosphere.

This is all that I’ve learned. It doesn’t really matter though, because my dog likes her. I don’t really have a choice as to whether or not I’m staying with her.