As I was perusing my sister’s college newspaper, The Independent Collegian (@ICollegian on Twitter), I noticed their series of videos about conspiracies. One in particular was especially alluring. It was about Mattress Firm, y’know the mattress store?

I don’t know about you, but I was weary about the sheer ludicrousness that I detected just by ascertaining the topic of concern.

(Don’t let my inflated language upset you, Mattress Firm doesn’t sell inflatable mattresses; don’t worry, I checked.)

Let’s take a look at the facts. The mattress industry is not a booming market. The recommended lifetime of the average mattress is about eight years. This isn’t surprising, right? 10,000 mattress stores exist nationwide. Still not quite astonishing but then compare that number to the 14,000 Starbucks and now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem.

Are mattresses really in comparable demand to coffee? Is the eight-year lifetime of a mattress that similar to the daily demand of coffee?

Next, let’s look at the concentration of Mattress Firms in the United States. They’re everywhere. How is an industry that is so constantly threatened by Internet startups able to have so many locations?

Take a look here at Manhattan.

Manhattan has crazy-high real estate costs. Look at this map. How is this even possible?

In 2016, Mattress Firm was bought by a South African company named Steinhoff for $3.8 billion. The company was valued at only half that, which brings us to the culmination of these facts.

Mattress Firm is without a doubt a money laundering scheme. They are a fake front just trying to stash money from the feds. While most people hide money in their mattresses, Mattress Firm hides mattresses in the money.

Look at it all. They’re everywhere for easy access, they were bought out for a lot more than they were worth and mattresses are not an in-your-face product that grabs attention.

The truth needs to be seen. I won’t stand for this disgusting fraud and foul action. I refuse to lay down. Mattress Firm needs to be stopped.